When House Elves are a little too fanatic
by Ezra Troup
Summary: You see, it's times like these that Harry really needs to learn to watch what he says when Dobby is around. will never truly be 'complete' as I'm alsways coming up with new blurbs and chappies. Rated for possible language and guaranteed naughtiness.
1. Chapter 1

"Come on mister horsey, get in the oven" said Dobby as he attempted to stuff a very angry Bane into one of the Hogwarts Kitchen ovens "great and powerful Master Harry said he's be hungry enough to eat a horse, and Dobby thinks you are the bestest he can get".

"You know Dobby, its times like these that I can't help but wonder how many times Malfoy kicked you in the head" deadpanned Harry as he looked on in incredulity at the sight before him "I was not serious when I said that you know. Besides I don't think he would like being food for me very much". There was also the nagging fact that he did not want to even contemplate just **_how _**Dobby managed to get Bane anywhere near the front doors of Hogwarts, let alone the kitchens.

_'you know, its times like these I really need to remember Dobby's insane willingness to do as I say'_ thought Harry as he chuckled ruefully at the scene before him.

"**YOU**" exclaimed Bane as he spotted Harry chuckling "You're that blasted human that dared to ride one of us as though we were common horses" screamed Bane as he spotted Harry "I knew we should have killed you when we had the chance" he spat "Now I order you to stop standing there laughing like the idiot you are and tell this delusional elf to release me whelp".

Now harry was thinking about telling dobby to let Bane go. That is until he heard the rest of Bane's statement.

"You know what. On second thought Dobby, You should serve him to Malfoy. I'm sure his _refined _pallette would love it". Said Harry as he turned to leave the kitches with a grin on his face at the thought of Draco unwittingly eating a 'filthy Half-breed'.

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><p>AN: Yes I know there is something very wrong with me... I just can't bring my self to care. Lol.<p> 


	2. Notice

Dear Fanfic Fans,

I have not had the internet for over 6 months which is why I have not updated my stories. As it is I am now using the Library computer to even do this. The computer at home does not have Word soi can't even really try to type it there. DO NOT FEAR! I am not giving up on my stories, I am just in a setback at this point (unemployed and damn near homeless).

Thanks for understanding!

Ezra


	3. Dime a Dozen

"Dobby, people like the Malfoy's are a dime a dozen, do not worry yourself over whether they approve of you or not…"

Now, by this point in their relationship Harry really should have known Dobby's serious lack of knowledge of human sayings. So he honestly should not have been surprised when upon arriving at the Black family ancestral home there were 12 identical blondes staring back at him with utter contempt.

"Dammit Potter what have you done to me! Tell this retarded byproduct of fecal matter and a rat to return me to normal! AND why do I have this stupid collar around my neck?"

He really could not be blamed for his response. Not much anyway.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Crikey, that's too damn funny." while trying to control his laughter he called "Dobby!"

POP!

"Yes Master Harry Potter Sir? What you needs of Dobby?"

Snort!

"Dobby why are there a dozen Malfoy's in my home and why are the wearing slave collars?"

At the mention of slave collars Draco's eyes looked as if they were going to take a vacation from his face

"SLAVE COLLAR!" one of them screamed, spittle flying from its mouth "Potter so help me if you don't get me out of this mess I will beat you to within an inch of your life!"

Ignoring the angry young man… men…whatever, Harry turned to Dobby with an expectant look on his face. "Well?"

"When Master Harry Potter told Dobby that people like Malfoy were a dime a dozen he went to see if this was true," he started to explain "so Dobby wents down to Knockturn Alley and founded him a potions master. The potion master helpeded Dobby with buying a duplication potion, Dobby did nots know whats a dime was but the master said it was only a Sickle for the potion and he was so happy with Dobby, he even gaveded him 12 slave collars for free!" he finished with a huge grin on his face.

At this point Malfoy knew his life was well and truly fucked so he did the only thing he could think to do… he fainted.

"Oh dear… Dobby? Don't ever change." Laughing he left the room while Dobby tried to wake Master Harry Potter Sirs new property.


	4. Tits Up

"Master harry potter sir," Dobby asked while looking across at his favoritest ever master "Why is yous so annoyed? Is it something Dobby has done?"

Harry potter looked at his little friend "No Dobby it is not you, it's Dumbledore. Thanks to him and all his Gaea forsaken meddling my world has gone tits up and I am tired of it, it is about time I changed this." he stated as he got up and prepared to leave the room "Don't worry Dobby, you are still the best elf a bloke could ever hope for."

With that he left the room.

Dabby sat there for a few minutes with a perplexed look on his face, before he went to the window and peered out "the world does not looks "tits up" to Dobby" he said out loud "Dobby must fix this, It might make Master Harry Potter sir happy"

And with that Dobby snapped his fingers using all the power in his little elf body to cast a massive world changing transfiguration...he changed it into a large pair of very female breasts... thats right... boobs.

Thus dear reader...

"Sorry to interrupt this little scene, but I feel I must tell you that this is the end of this story, as the author has just run outside and is now jumping up and down on the grass while going "hehe...boobies" over and over again. We appologise for any of you that hoped for this scene to finish. Thank you and goodnight"

AN: Stupid i know but meh, I liked it enough to post it.


	5. Poultry Abuse

"GODS ABOVE DOBBY, what on earth are you doing?" screamed Harry as he entered the Room of Requirement.

Dobby looked up from his self imposed task at the sound of Harry's voice "I's just choking a chicken master Harry Potter sir, I's was told by Seamy that if I did it might make Dobby not be so exicitable, and master Harry Potter sir always be telling Dobby hes is to exicitable"

With that Dobby went back to...ahem, choking the chicken in his hands, and Harry vowed to never mention this to Hermione. Ever.

A/N: Oddly enough I was making home-made mac and cheese when I though of this. lol. tell me what you think of these or should I just stop (forewarning: I probably won't listen if you tell me I should stop. lol.)


	6. Aussie Kisses

'_If I survive this, I'm buying Dobby a sock store,'_ thought Harry, as he took in the scene in front of him _'actually; for this he gets a whole sock factory!'_

Now, I'm sure you're wondering exactly what could cause this particular thought to cross his mind. In most cases you'd think it would be something of a profound nature, the likes of which are seen in movies with plenty of explosions and slow motion.

However, in this moment it was something so worth it; that it would go down in the annals of teen male dream life forevermore…

Hip cocked, with delicate hand laid upon it and other arm lying under her bosom, pushing them up enticingly, stood none other than Fleur Delacour; wearing nothing but a towel and a bemused smirk on her face.

"'Arry, would you care to explain why I was just removed from within my bathroom by your overzealous elf, and bought to what appears to be your bedroom?" she questioned with arched brow.

"Well you see, Fleur, Dobby has a very unhealthy need to please me regardless of whether I am using sarcasm or not," he began with a slightly nervous lilt, "and, well, this time he took something I said a little more to heart than strictly necessary." He finished, waiting for her to start throwing flaming balls of righteous feminine fury.

"S'at so 'Arry, and what words exactly, would be the cause of this situation?" she queried, brow still delicately arched with a devious little mischievous look in her eyes.

'_She's enjoying this!' _he lamented internally, _'Least I got a great view before I died!'_

"Well," pausing to lick his lips he continued, "Dobby and I were talking about things…yeah just things," he said with a blush blooming slowly on his cheeks, "and well, somehow we got into different names for…uh, female sexual gratification." He was becoming redder as the conversation continued.

"Oh," beautifully manicured brow climbing higher towards her hairline, and smirk widening more at the sight of the increasingly flustered young man in front of her, "and what, exactly would that have to do with my current position?" she questioned.

"Well you see, uh… I remembered Dudley saying something about girls loving Aussie kisses, and I just asked aloud, if French girls had a name for that and Dobby just disappeared…uh, sorry!"

Beyond flustered and bordering on boiled lobster in complexion, Harry waited for the explosion and pain.

However, he was brought up short when he heard the woman he was sure would be pulling a Ghost Rider, burst out laughing.

"Oh, 'Arry," she spoke mirthfully "Sometimes I wonder if that elf of yours would stop the turning of the world if you asked." she started calming down from her laughter, "Do not worry yourself 'Arry, I'm not mad at you."

"Well, that's good." He stated with an unhealthy amount or relief in his voice, "I _am_ sorry Fluer," he continued, "I'll have Dobby take you back home. Thanks, for you know, not turning me into a charred pile of cendres du Harry Potter" he said sheepishly.

"It's okay 'Arry, and as for your question to Dobby," she began gaining a truly vulpine smirk as she leaned in to whisper in the young mans ear, "I guess we'll 'ave to find out, no?"

With that she turned her head and kissed the renewed blush dangerously close to his lips.

Leaning back, smirk firmly in place she spoke aloud, "I am ready to go now Dobby, Farewell 'Arry Potter." She said, smile still glued to her visage, "I look forward to our, tutoring session."

With that, Fleur Delacour popped out of the bedroom, leaving her laughter ringing in his ears.

As Harry sat there stunned beyond motor function, he only had one thought escape his mind…

"Screw a factory, I'm buying him Jockey!"

AN: lol don't ask, and most of these are one-shots. However, after the first few hours as I had amassed over 250 views, I think I may continue this for another chapter. No promises though. If, however, you want to expand upon any of the ones that look as though they could be continued, let me know with a copy of it or a link to it. Just be sure to credit me first. I've also uploded two new one-shots "The Truth About Shika and Chouji" and "The Sacrifice" let me know what you think.


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